I really need critiques...

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#1
I want to get this one published, so I really need some honest critiques... and I think you guys are the mean bastards to give 'em to me! :)

I do hope you enjoy it, though. But if you have even the slightest of problems with any part, or if you pick up a spelling error or something, please, let me know.

My main concerns are that it's boring in the middle and muddled at the end.
 

Attachments

Stag

It's me again
Jan 1, 1970
3,292
0
0
53
Florida
#3
OK, before I read it, I will tell you upfront as your friend...you stink. There's your critique, I'll go read yor work now.
 

Gitch

Consultant Fellationist
Jan 1, 1970
435
0
0
God's own country merry England
#8
You big tease Brikar! A nice idea for a short story - are you planning on submitting it to an anthology?

The last page has "nether" rather than "ether".

You may want to remove references that "date" the story, for example the reference to a USB port or plasma screens. I only say this because if you read other SciFi authors who wrote a lot of short fiction, the stories don't always age terribly well. Some of Arthur C Clarke's work seems really dated and quaint today, even when its set in the future, because of his terminology. He talks about valves and circuit boards when describing that collosal computer that becomes sentient (I forget which story it features in). In as little as 5 years time the idea of pluging your camera into the printer via a USB port may seem old fashioned - already you can buy cameras with WiFi. Similarly Plasma screens will be old fashioned soon. Nowhere else in the story do you give clues to the date - it could be 1990 or it could be 2020 - it seems a bit of a shame to tie your story down to 2000 to 2006, when it could be more timeless. Just my opinion.
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#16
Well, since I couldn't find this, I had to rewrite it. The one I published has entirely different characters and is several times longer. Really, all they share are the same premise and some similar scenes. However, given the nature of the premise... they can easily co-exist with each other.