I really need critiques...

[Brikar]

I want to get this one published, so I really need some honest critiques... and I think you guys are the mean bastards to give 'em to me!

I do hope you enjoy it, though. But if you have even the slightest of problems with any part, or if you pick up a spelling error or something, please, let me know.

My main concerns are that it's boring in the middle and muddled at the end.

 

[Bean]

I'll read it tonight when I get home from work.

 

[Stag]

OK, before I read it, I will tell you upfront as your friend...you stink. There's your critique, I'll go read yor work now.

 

[Cymro]

fuck, it's like 10 pages long!

 

[Brikar]

....yeah. My bad.

 

[Brikar]

So........ did it suck?

 

[Cymro]

To be honest, I don't have the commitment to read something that long anymore, you can thank the TV for that.

 

[Gitch]

You big tease Brikar! A nice idea for a short story - are you planning on submitting it to an anthology?

The last page has "nether" rather than "ether".

You may want to remove references that "date" the story, for example the reference to a USB port or plasma screens. I only say this because if you read other SciFi authors who wrote a lot of short fiction, the stories don't always age terribly well. Some of Arthur C Clarke's work seems really dated and quaint today, even when its set in the future, because of his terminology. He talks about valves and circuit boards when describing that collosal computer that becomes sentient (I forget which story it features in). In as little as 5 years time the idea of pluging your camera into the printer via a USB port may seem old fashioned - already you can buy cameras with WiFi. Similarly Plasma screens will be old fashioned soon. Nowhere else in the story do you give clues to the date - it could be 1990 or it could be 2020 - it seems a bit of a shame to tie your story down to 2000 to 2006, when it could be more timeless. Just my opinion.

 

[Brikar]

Thanks, Gitch, that is a good point about dating it. It hadn't entered into my mind at all when I was writing it.

 

[Cymro]

Personally, I think they should have more USB peripherals on Enterprise

 

[Gitch]

Heh! USB 1.1.

Took me 36 hours to backup and verify 44Gb of data using a USB1.1 connection.

 

[Brikar]

Yikes.

 

[Gitch]

Good news is that I will only need to do incremental backups from now on.

 

[Brikar]

SON OF A BITCH. I can't believe this is here. This is the story I was looking for to publish in my book but couldn't find!

 

[Bean]

I have to confess, I don't believe I ever actually got around to reading it. Is this the same one you just published?

 

[Brikar]

Well, since I couldn't find this, I had to rewrite it. The one I published has entirely different characters and is several times longer. Really, all they share are the same premise and some similar scenes. However, given the nature of the premise... they can easily co-exist with each other.