Enterprise: Bullshit.

Tupperfan

Forgot to bring booze...
Sep 16, 2009
241
1
0
The bush, Canada
#42
And even that body is so unashamedly augmented that it makes it unremarkable. She's a huge "meh" for me too.

And you know Brik, the more you go the more I realize I just plain didn't watch Enterprise... I can tell of three or four episodes I watched completely. There's a few more that I recall, to a degree, but I definitely never watched them entirely...
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#43
I think she'd have a fine body if she gained a few pounds. But she's almost disturbingly thin, and that's not how I roll. And she also seems to have huge bags under her eyes all the time.

Tup, there are a number of episodes from the first two seasons that I know I'd seen when they aired, but had no memory of how they went other than I recognized a specific scene here or there. And honestly, considering how superbly 'meh' it all is, I'm not surprised I didn't remember much of them. The problem with 'Enterprise' it turns out isn't so much that it's flat-out-balls-to-the-wall terrible (though, a lot of the time it is) it's just that the rest of it is so fucking forgettable. Even on down to the production design, the show seems to go out of its way to make sure that I don't give a shit.

The cast was given brighter blue uniforms for season two, but for the most part, it's a visually very bland show. The sets (aside from sickbay) are mostly dull gray. All the Starfleet props are dull gray. Vulcan uniforms are a gray-beige. Klingons wear variations on dark brown. Andorians blue-gray. The CGI space shots often feature ships that are mostly gray against rather plain black backgrounds. It's like someone sucked all the color and vitality out of the 'Star Trek' universe.
 

Arik

Administrator
Staff member
Jan 1, 2010
2,307
1
38
#44
2x20 "Horizon" - Travis returns home after the death of his father and finds that some members of his family resent his choice to join Starfleet. Anthony Montgomery keeps trying to act to show us how serious he is. Lame episode, up and down. The Boomers have always been an interesting concept that the show has mentioned but rarely seen... but each time we see them, the execution of it is so lacking. The writers clearly don't know what they want to do with them.
I tried writing a short story about Boomers years ago. I couldn't figure them out. I had no idea what they were doing. There had to be faster ways of getting cargo between planets. Paying other species to do it? I guess...they really needed to flush out the universe a bit more to get them to fit into it.
 

Cymro

Religious Fanatic
Nov 30, 1999
5,028
3
0
Shitsville, CF63
#45
I never really thought about it, but you're quite right. I mean, what could they possibly be carrying that is worth waiting years for, but isn't worth paying someone to deliver faster? The only thing I can think of is that they were trying to sell Earth novelty items. For instance, you could probably make some money selling whiskey to an alien alcohol connoisseur, and start opening up markets that way, but general commodities like metals or spaceship parts would be out of the question.

The underlying problem was that they set the show around Earth's first "real" interstellar spaceship, but tried to follow the same formula as the other shows. At this point in history they shouldn't have been running into new aliens every other week.
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#46
They talk a good deal about how by the end of season one, the Enterprise had traveled farther from Earth than any human ship, which I assume to include to Boomers. I imagine the Boomers were like any freight business - they were hired by someone to get something somewhere, and I don't think they were always working for humans. In 'Horizon', there's talk of how they have shipments of something for some race here, shipments of some other thing for another race here.

It's like when I buy something off of Amazon, I can choose between different shipping options - slower, cheaper options or faster, more expensive ones. I imagine the Boomers fill the role of the smaller, cheaper option. Y'know, 5-6 business days by ground instead of next-day air.

At the same time, though, what this does is hobble the potential of the Travis character. Now, I'll be the first to say that Anthony Montgomery is, by far, the worst actor of the entire cast and in that respect I'm glad that they essentially sideline him whenever possible. But on the other hand, Travis had the potential to be a source of information for some of the Enterprise's travels, and this rarely occurred. He was never knowledgeable about any of the races the ship was encountering, even though he'd spent his whole life in space meeting aliens, and in fact rarely ever contributed any kind of special skill other than piloting the ship (which we're told he's awesome at, but unlike Tom Paris we rarely see him executing any rockin' maneuvers that save the ship due to those alleged skills).
 
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Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#47
3x01 "The Xindi" - Archer tries to barter for a chance to talk to a Xindi, but ends up embroiled in a trap to turn the Enterprise crew into mining slaves. Trip feels up T'Pol to show us how sleepless he is. This one introduces some interesting changes for Season Three that I'm generally a fan of; the MACO troops and their equipment are pretty cool, adding some new flair to the action sequences (sniper!) and doing something different than the same old orange phaser beams we've seen for years and years. T'Pol's new uniform, while still a skin-tight jumpsuit has some color in it and some nice retro flair in its design. The space sequences show a little more variations in the backgrounds. The Xindi themselves are nicely designed creatures, including the CGI 'Insectoids' and 'Aquatics'. The Xindi Reptilians wear slightly modified versions of the Reman costumes from 'Star Trek: Nemesis'. The general design of the mining planet and its denizens is interesting, too. The new remix of the title song is still awful, and seems strangely more upbeat than the original, despite the new 'darker' tone for the series (though the series itself seems more energetic and colorful than before, as if to compensate for the more violent subject matter). This is all window-dressing, effective though it may be - the characters still aren't all that deep, and the cast is still bad. The 'Vulcan neuro-pressure' is just an embarrassingly bad idea, and even worse in execution since it basically amounts to Trip and T'Pol stripping down to massage each other. Still, this is a fairly worthwhile entry and sets a good tone for the new direction of the show.

3x02 "Anomaly" - The Enterprise is raided by pirates, and in tracking down the stolen goods, discovers a massive alien sphere within a cloaking field that is generating huge amounts of energy. Archer grimaces a lot to show us how serious he is. Seriously, he grimaces a lot. It's essentially his only facial expression. He tortures a guy, sure, but while it may be 'shocking' for 'Star Trek', it's pretty tame compared to shit we've seen in other shows like 'Battlestar Galactica' or anything on premium cable. Still, space pirates! And some cool effects, and a good twist on the standard space battle (the ship has to stay within range of the enemy while Hoshi hacks into their computer). This one's another of the show's better entries.

3x03 "Extinction" - Archer, Reed and Hoshi are infected with an alien virus that transforms their DNA, and Phlox must find a cure before an alien race destroys them to cleanse the infection. Archer dreams about underground cities to show us how Jesus he is. This episode is lame. Strangely, however, I think it's one of Scott Bakula's better performances. He really disappears into the makeup and alters his voice quite well for the role, which is really bizarre. The episode also features a better than usual musical score, but overall doesn't add much to the show or to the ongoing Xindi arc.

3x04 "Rajiin" - Archer rescues a beautiful slave woman from an alien marketplace who turns out to be a Xindi spy. Trip tries to cook space heroin to show us how dope he is. This one at least adds to the Xindi arc by introducing some discord amongst the Xindi council, who are disappointed by Degra's lack of progress on the weapon. The actress playing Rajiin however, is sadly disappointing. Worse, the episode tries too hard to be 'sexy' especially the scene where Rajiin feels up T'Pol, so that all comes across as embarrassing rather than titillating. The Xindi raid of the Enterprise is a well-done action sequence, but it begs the question as to why the Reptillians didn't just blow the Enterprise out of the sky once they had retrieved Rajiin - they obviously had the upper hand, and leaving the Enterprise intact is a liability for all their plans. Still, the arc moves forward... It's nice that the beginning of this episode actually acknowledges the previous one, as Archer is still recovering from the alien virus.
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#48
3x01 "The Xindi" - Archer tries to barter for a chance to talk to a Xindi, but ends up embroiled in a trap to turn the Enterprise crew into mining slaves. Trip feels up T'Pol to show us how sleepless he is. This one introduces some interesting changes for Season Three that I'm generally a fan of; the MACO troops and their equipment are pretty cool, adding some new flair to the action sequences (sniper!) and doing something different than the same old orange phaser beams we've seen for years and years. T'Pol's new uniform, while still a skin-tight jumpsuit has some color in it and some nice retro flair in its design. The space sequences show a little more variations in the backgrounds. The Xindi themselves are nicely designed creatures, including the CGI 'Insectoids' and 'Aquatics'. The Xindi Reptilians wear slightly modified versions of the Reman costumes from 'Star Trek: Nemesis'. The general design of the mining planet and its denizens is interesting, too. The new remix of the title song is still awful, and seems strangely more upbeat than the original, despite the new 'darker' tone for the series (though the series itself seems more energetic and colorful than before, as if to compensate for the more violent subject matter). This is all window-dressing, effective though it may be - the characters still aren't all that deep, and the cast is still bad. The 'Vulcan neuro-pressure' is just an embarrassingly bad idea, and even worse in execution since it basically amounts to Trip and T'Pol stripping down to massage each other. Still, this is a fairly worthwhile entry and sets a good tone for the new direction of the show.

3x02 "Anomaly" - The Enterprise is raided by pirates, and in tracking down the stolen goods, discovers a massive alien sphere within a cloaking field that is generating huge amounts of energy. Archer grimaces a lot to show us how serious he is. Seriously, he grimaces a lot. It's essentially his only facial expression. He tortures a guy, sure, but while it may be 'shocking' for 'Star Trek', it's pretty tame compared to shit we've seen in other shows like 'Battlestar Galactica' or anything on premium cable. Still, space pirates! And some cool effects, and a good twist on the standard space battle (the ship has to stay within range of the enemy while Hoshi hacks into their computer). This one's another of the show's better entries.

3x03 "Extinction" - Archer, Reed and Hoshi are infected with an alien virus that transforms their DNA, and Phlox must find a cure before an alien race destroys them to cleanse the infection. Archer dreams about underground cities to show us how Jesus he is. This episode is lame. Strangely, however, I think it's one of Scott Bakula's better performances. He really disappears into the makeup and alters his voice quite well for the role, which is really bizarre. The episode also features a better than usual musical score, but overall doesn't add much to the show or to the ongoing Xindi arc.

3x04 "Rajiin" - Archer rescues a beautiful slave woman from an alien marketplace who turns out to be a Xindi spy. Trip tries to cook space heroin to show us how dope he is. This one at least adds to the Xindi arc by introducing some discord amongst the Xindi council, who are disappointed by Degra's lack of progress on the weapon. The actress playing Rajiin however, is sadly disappointing. Worse, the episode tries too hard to be 'sexy' especially the scene where Rajiin feels up T'Pol, so that all comes across as embarrassing rather than titillating. The Xindi raid of the Enterprise is a well-done action sequence, but it begs the question as to why the Reptillians didn't just blow the Enterprise out of the sky once they had retrieved Rajiin - they obviously had the upper hand, and leaving the Enterprise intact is a liability for all their plans. Still, the arc moves forward... It's nice that the beginning of this episode actually acknowledges the previous one, as Archer is still recovering from the alien virus.
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#49
3x05 "Impulse" - The Enterprise finds a disabled Vulcan ship in an asteroid field and the away team discovers that the crew have turned into vicious, insane monsters. Jolene Blalock puts in her best performance just to show us how crappy she is. This one could have been just plain awful, but it's kinda fun. Vulcan zombies, y'know? Sure, it doesn't really make all that much sense, but it's well-directed and even fairly well-acted. My only problem with it is the constant strobe-light effects inside the Vulcan ship, which grow aggravating after short periods. Having Trellium-D (which can protect the ship inside the Expanse) turn out poisonous to Vulcans is a good twist.

3x06 "Exile" - A telepathic alien contacts Hoshi and tells her he can help them find the Xindi if she'll come visit him. Hoshi chills in a castle for a few days to show us how important she is to the Enterprise. This 'Beauty and the Beast' in space episode has its moments, but is mostly rather slow and I'm not sure that it has much to say about the Hoshi character. Still, it does further the arc somewhat as the Enterprise learns where the Xindi are building part of the weapon, which leads us into...

3x07 "The Shipment" - Archer befriends a Xindi who is in charge of manufacturing part of the weapon, but didn't know his work was being used to murder millions of civilians. Degra gets frustrated to show us how frustrated he is. This episode moves the arc forward even more, and gives us our first real look at how wrong Archer's perceptions are about the Xindi, and how little the Xindi seem to know about the humans. Archer forms a nice friendship with the Xindi foreman, a very 'Star Trek' feeling kind of 'enemies can become allies' episode.

3x08 "Twilight" - After Archer is wounded and unable to command the ship, the Xindi complete their weapon, destroy Earth and begin to hunt down any remaining human survivors. Phlox figures out how to change history to show us how serious he is. This one gets a lot of flak for being a 'reset button' episode, but I've never hated those, so I can't hate this one for that reason, either. It's a fun look into an alternate future, with some nice special effects and action sequences. The problem with it is that it once again makes Archer into a messianic character, as though the universe is doomed without him. Otherwise, this is a decently entertaining entry.

3x09 "North Star" - The Enterprise finds a colony of humans living like the Old West who mistreat an alien race that used to enslave them. Archer wins a fist-fight with one arm just to show us how serious he is. Fuck it, I like this one. It's directed with some flair, nice musical score and effects... the cast is clearly having fun. I saw this episode get a lot of shit on the internet, but whatever. It's fun. The shootout at the end is a hoot, with Starfleet vs cowboys.

3x10 "Similitude" - When Trip is injured, Phlox creates a clone to harvest its tissue, but the crew is surprised to discover when the clone turns out to be a perfect copy, including Trip's memories and personality. Archer doesn't shave for a few days just to show us how serious he is. This is one of the series' best episodes. Connor Trinneer proves once again that he's the best actor on the cast, and even Bakula doesn't seem as awful as he usually is. The scene where he threatens Sim's life is well-played by both, and even better is the short scene between Phlox and Sim as father and son. The ethics of the situation are a bit questionable, but that's the point. Well-played, 'Star Trek: Enterprise'. This is one of the few attempts at real drama on this show that actually works.
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#50
3x05 "Impulse" - The Enterprise finds a disabled Vulcan ship in an asteroid field and the away team discovers that the crew have turned into vicious, insane monsters. Jolene Blalock puts in her best performance just to show us how crappy she is. This one could have been just plain awful, but it's kinda fun. Vulcan zombies, y'know? Sure, it doesn't really make all that much sense, but it's well-directed and even fairly well-acted. My only problem with it is the constant strobe-light effects inside the Vulcan ship, which grow aggravating after short periods. Having Trellium-D (which can protect the ship inside the Expanse) turn out poisonous to Vulcans is a good twist.

3x06 "Exile" - A telepathic alien contacts Hoshi and tells her he can help them find the Xindi if she'll come visit him. Hoshi chills in a castle for a few days to show us how important she is to the Enterprise. This 'Beauty and the Beast' in space episode has its moments, but is mostly rather slow and I'm not sure that it has much to say about the Hoshi character. Still, it does further the arc somewhat as the Enterprise learns where the Xindi are building part of the weapon, which leads us into...

3x07 "The Shipment" - Archer befriends a Xindi who is in charge of manufacturing part of the weapon, but didn't know his work was being used to murder millions of civilians. Degra gets frustrated to show us how frustrated he is. This episode moves the arc forward even more, and gives us our first real look at how wrong Archer's perceptions are about the Xindi, and how little the Xindi seem to know about the humans. Archer forms a nice friendship with the Xindi foreman, a very 'Star Trek' feeling kind of 'enemies can become allies' episode.

3x08 "Twilight" - After Archer is wounded and unable to command the ship, the Xindi complete their weapon, destroy Earth and begin to hunt down any remaining human survivors. Phlox figures out how to change history to show us how serious he is. This one gets a lot of flak for being a 'reset button' episode, but I've never hated those, so I can't hate this one for that reason, either. It's a fun look into an alternate future, with some nice special effects and action sequences. The problem with it is that it once again makes Archer into a messianic character, as though the universe is doomed without him. Otherwise, this is a decently entertaining entry.

3x09 "North Star" - The Enterprise finds a colony of humans living like the Old West who mistreat an alien race that used to enslave them. Archer wins a fist-fight with one arm just to show us how serious he is. Fuck it, I like this one. It's directed with some flair, nice musical score and effects... the cast is clearly having fun. I saw this episode get a lot of shit on the internet, but whatever. It's fun. The shootout at the end is a hoot, with Starfleet vs cowboys.

3x10 "Similitude" - When Trip is injured, Phlox creates a clone to harvest its tissue, but the crew is surprised to discover when the clone turns out to be a perfect copy, including Trip's memories and personality. Archer doesn't shave for a few days just to show us how serious he is. This is one of the series' best episodes. Connor Trinneer proves once again that he's the best actor on the cast, and even Bakula doesn't seem as awful as he usually is. The scene where he threatens Sim's life is well-played by both, and even better is the short scene between Phlox and Sim as father and son. The ethics of the situation are a bit questionable, but that's the point. Well-played, 'Star Trek: Enterprise'. This is one of the few attempts at real drama on this show that actually works.
 
Jun 13, 2006
547
2
0
#54
Captain's Star Log, November 4th, 2011, second addendum. From now on the "Captain's Star Log" will be known as the "Captain's Extreme Ass-Kicking Record of Awesomeness."
 

Arik

Administrator
Staff member
Jan 1, 2010
2,307
1
38
#56
Captain's Star Log, November 4th, 2011, second addendum. From now on the "Captain's Star Log" will be known as the "Captain's Extreme Ass-Kicking Record of Awesomeness."
Is that the record of ass kicking the Captain dished out, or the record of when the captain got his ass kicked?
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#57
3x11 "Carpenter Street" - Archer and T'Pol travel back in time to 21st century Detroit to stop the Xindi Reptillians from unleashing a deadly bio-weapon on Earth. Archer orders from the drive-thru to show us how serious he is. I hate this episode, and everything about it. It nearly derails the entire season with its stupidity.

3x12 "Chosen Realm" - Religious fanatics who worship the spheres capture the Enterprise and plan to use its advanced weaponry against their enemies. Archer fakes his own death to show us how serious he is. Meh. Religious fanaticism is frustrating; I wanted Archer to just roll his eyes and punch these dudes every time they opened their mouths. The entire episode is just too predictable, including the rip-off ending. The best scene is when the nutjobs erase the Enterprise database... but even that setback is short-lived.

3x13 "Proving Ground" - Shran arrives, claiming to have been sent by the Andorians to aid Archer in preventing the destruction of Earth, but Archer suspects he's not being entirely truthful. The Andorian Mining Consortium runs from no one just to show us how serious they are. Again, Shran is always fun to have around. A subplot involving Reed being mistrustful of the Andorians doesn't really go anywhere important except to tie in at the end. Most of it is just wasted time, though. There are some cool effects on display, a really excellent musical score, and it pushes forward the arc somewhat so this one comes out a positive in the end.

3x14 "Strategem" - Archer kidnaps Degra and constructs an elaborate deception to try and get the location of the Xindi weapon. Degra undergoes character development to show us how much better than Archer he is. I think if there's one thing this season does best, it's the Degra character. Actor Randy Oglesby has a big hand in this, of course, with his fine performances, but he's also a pretty well-written character. His arc over the course of the season is really some of the best writing this show ever achieves.

3x15 "Harbinger" - The Enterprise discovers a wounded alien at a convergence of spatial anomalies while tensions between Reed and Major Hayes come to a head. T'Pol strips down and shows us some ass-crack to show us how PG-13 this show is. Not a terrible episode, really. The jealousy plot between Trip and T'Pol is a little unnecessary, the stuff between Reed and Hayes is alright but the best part is when they fight. The episode also moves the arc forward a little with the discovery of the Sphere Builder. But there's little that's truly compelling.
 
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Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#58
3x16 "Doctor's Orders" - Phlox puts the crew into hibernation as the ship crosses a dangerous region of space, but finds that the loneliness is getting to him. Jolene Blalock decides to act for once to show us how serious she is. This episode is pretty lame. It rips off an only slightly more interesting Voyager episode, but doesn't bother to do a very good job of it. The climactic scene in Engineering is well-done, but otherwise the only thing of note in this episode is the dinner scene between Phlox and faux-T'Pol in the galley. Otherwise, the premise is stupid (the entire crew goes four days without food and water? Taking a piss? What?) and the 'scares' are rote.

3x17 "Hatchery" - Archer begins to show strange, obsessive behavior when he orders the crew to repair a Xindi insectoid ship crashed on a desolate world. The crew mutinies to show us how serious they are. Except... it takes them forever to do so. The most interesting part of the episode is Major Hayes, who reveals that he is the kind of soldier who will follow orders, even when he's getting them from a man he suspects isn't all there, mentally.

3x18 "Azati Prime" - The Enterprise finally arrives at the location of the Xindi weapon, and Daniels informs Archer that the future of the quadrant and the Federation is at stake if Archer sacrifices himself to stop it. Degra saves the Enterprise to show us how awesome he is. This is a pretty huge episode; the entire season has been building up to this point, and it's here where the entire thing starts to come together. The scene in the future is impressive for its sound design, which is excellent. The special effects in this episode are also quite impressive, especially the climax with the Enterprise being torn apart.

3x19 "Damage" - Badly damaged, the Enterprise meets another vessel in need. Archer, desperate to make his rendezvous with Degra, decides to raid the other ship for supplies he needs to fix the warp engine. T'Pol reveals her space-crack addiction to show us how retarded she is. Seriously. The space-crack just kills it. The rest of the episode is alright, though Casey Biggs is wasted in a minor role. The moral implications of a Starfleet crew resorting to piracy are interesting - Voyager avoided doing so at multiple times.
 

Bean

The Awesome One
Jan 1, 1970
5,243
3
0
39
Canada eh!
cheese.com
#59
The moral implications of a Starfleet crew resorting to piracy are interesting - Voyager avoided doing so at multiple times.
What I noticed with regards to that comparison, is that Voyager avoided it and in most cases (until later seasons) they had a vast technological advantage. Had they wanted to, Voyager could have pillaged the shit out of the early areas of space they were in. Whereas with Enterprise, the ship is not only beat to hell, but they aren't exactly a powerful entity in general.

I think had they done something like this earlier in the season it could have played out better. They could have had the Enterprise pirate a small scout vessel, then later on find out that the species in question has massively superior ships to Starfleet and now Archer finds himself having to deal with the little guys "big brother" so to speak. Hell, that story could be adapted to fit any of the major "bad guy" races we're already familiar with.

DS9 and certain episodes of TNG would have had a whole different subtext had Starfleets first encounter with the Cardassians been the pirating of one of the Cardassians ships.
 

Brikar

The Dude
Jan 1, 1970
3,661
3
0
Massachusetts
#60
Voyager started out pretty powerful compared to races like the Kazon who had never encountered replicators or transporters before... yet Kazon ships were powerful enough to be a threat to Voyager in terms of their weapons. But Voyager itself was supposed to be a less-powerful ship compared to, say, the Enterprise-D. But as they began to encounter more and more powerful races like the Borg or what have you, Voyager was always able to overpower them anyway.